The Child Wounds

The concepts of the “mother wound” and “father wound” have been around the therapeutic world for several years. As with many notions, sometimes those ideas take some time to ripple into the general population. And so it was with an AA women’s group discussion of the mother wound, and the potential wounds we as mothers inflict upon our children. The mother wound describes the feelings of self-doubt, anxiety and insecurity – presumably a result of an emotionally absent or hypercritical mother/primary caregiver. For an equal opportunity psychological self-evaluation, we can also explore the effects of the father wound – again self-esteem issues, add hyper independence and emotional armoring. In my clinical experience, emotional connection and availability issues are childhood household issues.

For those of us in recovery, this type of self-reflection is essential. Whether we name and blame the emotional challenges as emanating from our mother or father is irrelevant. The important work is in identifying the emotions behind any of our unwanted behaviors and filling those needs. How? First, we can set our intention to unlearn past destructive teachings, and then decide to unnumb, undistract and unescape our life. We then acknowledge the thoughts that are limiting us. What is the root of the shame… fear… anger… I am experiencing? To do that, we have to sit with those feelings however uncomfortable they are – acknowledge and express them – cry, yell. And then, we can ask ourselves if the thought behind those emotions is true. For example, “am I really lower than a turd on a flea?” The true and clear answer, of course, is no. You are a beautiful child of God-Spirit/Higher Power – and you have been since birth. We can further explore the emotions with our therapist/coach/chaplain. The important thing is that we then decide to set on a course to heal those child wounds.

And here is where the hope of neuroplasticity comes in. Neuroplasticity is our brain’s ability to adapt, learn and reorganize its neural connections in response to experiences and learning. Repeated thoughts, behaviors and inputs strengthen neural pathways. Your brain doesn’t care if those neural pathways reflect negative or positive self-talk. Our work is to heal by fostering new neural pathways that will make us feel positive and balanced. 

So, maybe those childhood interpretations of “I am not good enough,” “People are not safe,” “I have to do this alone,” need to stop. Every time we hear ourselves saying negative statements about or to ourselves, we interrupt and course correct by proactively finding the affirmations that feel safe and right for us and hammering those statements into our brains. “I am a beautiful person and an awesome mother.” “I was an addict/alcoholic and I choose to unnumb and live authentically.” “I can trust others.” Whatever you decide, put those statements on a stickie note on your mirror and say/whisper them several times a day. I guarantee that you will feel better about yourself within a few short weeks.

The second major action component of this type of child-wound healing is to co-create (with your God-Spirit/Higher Power) the emotional support that you did not receive. I personally needed soft, approachable, protective mothering. I asked for support through prayer and meditation, and lo and behold – a woman who had those qualities befriended me. This beautiful soul gave me a sense of motherly protection I so desperately needed to feel safe in this world. Don’t get me wrong. This is tough stuff we’re exploring. It won’t all be pink puffy clouds; the work can feel like steep trekking uphill. The beautiful thing is that our God-Spirit/Higher Power will help us. Other people will help us. If we are willing, and if we ask. Still, a lot of the work lands on us. We can slow our life’s pace to a walk (instead of outrunning uncomfortable feelings) and learn to practice gratitude ALL the time.

A third action I like to recommend is an intergenerational healing ritual. For each of the important family figures during your childhood and in your adult life, identify what qualities you would like to keep and what you would like to release. For example, maybe your father was a fun guy, generous and kind but also absent emotionally and physically when it came to deeper connection. You would keep the traits you value about him and release the rest to God-Spirit/Higher Power. Candle lighting rituals tend to be cleansing and restoring.

The fact that mother and father wounding is even discussed in AA rooms is immensely healing and reflects a huge growth shift in self-awareness and authenticity. I feel honored to be a part of the conversation.